Stevie’s Top Films Of 2015

Posted: December 30, 2015 in Movies, Uncategorized

Man, what a year for cinema: drama, comedy, tragedy, thrills, spills, fantasy and a teeny touch of romance. Here’s my top ten films of the past twelve months:

10. Larry And Barry

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A bittersweet tale of two tumours who choked a half-life’s windpipe but relented when he got to drive a pursuit vehicle. They get felt-tip faces, he gets a girlfriend.

9. Rock n Rolla Wives

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Elvis Presley’s granddaughter and Lenny Kravitz’s little girl hitch a lift with an Imperator. The twist is: the rocking and rolling is all vehicle-related. Lolz.

8. Joe

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A sad, lonely veteran Colonel of the Oil Wars acquires himself a harem and some friends to play with. Gets upset when the ladies don’t want to be owned. Has a magic mask that only opens when he’s REALLY upset.

7. There And Back Again

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No hobbits in this one but there are little people and ogres. Max draws a map but it isn’t very complicated. I think there might have been a left turn. And a tree thing.

6. This Doof Goes Up To 11

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An oddball mummy’s boy practices guitar until his eyes fall out so he works for Cirque Du Soleil. Has flames erupting from his axe, because HOT RIFFS, amaright?! Allegedly survives the biggest pile-up since the Water Wars.

5. Smokey And The Chrome Bandits

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An ex-cop goes undercover with a gang of Hells Angels, posing as a captive homeless man who’s hoping for his badge with Blood Donors. Uncovers a kidnapping plot and performs a thoracotomy on a tension haemothorax, which he probably learnt on YouTube before the Collapse.

4. Teeth

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An intricate study of power imagery and silver food colouring. An abstract journey through mouthguards, chastity belts and ammunition. Molartastic.

3. Dude, Where’s My Interceptor?

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A dude loses his car to a neighbourhood gang and isn’t very good at getting it back. Cue scenes of “That’s my car!” and no other attempt to retrieve it until it explodes in a fireball. A metaphor for the dude’s need to journey on alone, or something.

2. The Ballad of Mary Jo Bassa’s Child

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A young girl is snatched from the Swaddle Dog clan and loses her mum and an arm. Rises through the ranks of Imperators until she can escape home. Upon her return, she discovers its demise and claims her captor’s throne instead. Flirts with an ex-cop through the medium of violence and becomes a feminist icon. Take that, Wheezy!

1. Mad Max: Fury Road

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The best film of the year by far. In turns thrilling, shocking, dizzying, haunting, hilarious and ingenious, it excels in both invention and story-telling by a country mile. Perfect.

Also, just missing the list:

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Avengers: Age Of Ultron

Everest

Ex Machina

Inside Out

While We’re Young

It Follows

Jurassic World

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Comments
  1. Barry Gould says:

    Brilliant, Steve! Enjoyed Fury Road last evening here in Ottawa!

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